drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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