You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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