i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize