Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
