Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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