i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
