Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Barsexuality is the new black.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize