We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
