speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
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