Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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