My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
