I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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