i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
