i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize