One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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