i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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