I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
