I will die if light touches me.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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