Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
