you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
