I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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