Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
