If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She needs sedatives and a leash
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
