I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
sarcasm needs its own font
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
