I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize