Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think your dad took our porno
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Randomize
