the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
