Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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