is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize