That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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