Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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