Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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