He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
