His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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