I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
