He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
