my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
