Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
