my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
