I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
