You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
