I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
