i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
