Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
