I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
