nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
