I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Every concussion has its silver lining
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
