im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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