You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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