I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
