"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
