i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
