Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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