it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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