remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize