Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize