I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
