Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
