...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
